balance yo sh*t out.

how many times have people told you to meditate? now how many times have they told you what that sh*t even really is? here's what to do, how to do it & where to do it... all meditation means is taking time to mentally focus & reflect on sh*t.  that's it, that's all.  there are a million ways to do this shit, but what most people know is it doesn't take all the extra sh*t like they may think.  seriously, all you need somewhere quiet to sit for a few minutes.  even if that's in the car.  you gotta start somewhere. breaking this mediation sh*t down.  ultimately all you need to meditate is a quiet space & anywhere from 5-20 minutes.  sh*t does get busy, so if you don't have 5 minutes to meditate then you need 2 hours to sit & figure out what tf is going on in your life  & when did it become ok to not have 5 minutes to do wtf you wanna do... fix that then come back. as you grow & heal, that lil space on the floor may end up as a...

shadow journal 9/21/2021 toxicity is an imaginary wall built of all the i knew betters you continue to blame on them.  it's the result of all these unhealed soul ties, that untreated depression from cryin yourself to sleep tryna figure out why they did you like that & why you weren't good enough.  did you ever stop to think that the mfr wasn't good enough for you?  it's the panic & worry that led to anxiety that you refuse to acknowledge that's made you this way.  you're bitter inside baby.  and this shit, this is a front to deter from the fact that you are indeed damaged.  broken from the lies & promises they made that you knew they never planned to fulfill.  it was never love & it wasn't them who let you down.  it was you who went against everything you knew was right to make things work where they were never meant to.  you wasted your own time, because you knew better & continued exchanging energy with people who never ...

so ask yourself: exactly how capable to i allow myself to be? take a minute & think about it. are you a get up & get it done kinda person (this includes people who need an hour to get started)? or are you a sit there & talk yourself out of doing the shit you need to do to accomplish.. hell anything? your mind/mental state reflects in everything you do.   relationships, friendships, work ethic, parenting, all that. where you end up with all that depends on you. if you're going to the ocean & grabbing a thimble full of water, how tf do you expect to fill up a pool? make the shit make sense.  what you speak, what you do, what you think all manifests & materializes at some point, so what exactly are you putting out?   you are literally the only person capable of fulfilling your destiny. you must manifest & work for what you want. you have mediocre because that's all you're willing to speak. you hate your job because you're too scared to leave...

 you want better? do better.  be better. speak better.  live better.   the universe don't owe you shit but what you put out & if we being real... well...  this journey you're on is personal. it's specific to you. it's easy to get caught up in what other people got going on. but do you know what that person went through to get there? it looks like a blessing to you, but how you know it's not a curse to them? you won't get to your destination walking in somebody else's shoes.  as a matter of fact you really doing a lot of work for nothing, because they're shoes only move their life. why would you wanna walk in somebody old worn out shoes any way?  that whole thought process is something that will never make sense.   you have your own brand new shoes that'll take you wherever you want to go, but you'd rather walk in someone else's foot steps. it's detrimental to your next chapter that you stay focused on your shit only.  sit back ...

stop being so fuckin ungrateful.  at some point you're gonna have to acknowledge that your life ain't bad as it could (or should, for that matter) be.   at some point you gotta be thankful just for having breath & ability, cuz a lotta mfrs don't have those luxuries. some of the shit you mad about not getting could've been the very shit that ended your existence, yet instead of being grateful you dodged a bullet, you sitting there mad cuz you didn't get it. you'll never know what that no protected you from. you mad at yo funky ass job, but what about the fact you got one. you don't like the roof over your head, but what if that mfr was made out of clouds? you mad cuz it didn't work out with that kid other parent, but what you don't know is they over there giving somebody else high blood pressure & gray hair. stop worrying about what could've been and start being thankful for what is or get the balls & gumption to change the shit. whate...

business teaches you so much about people...  "friends" will have 5k+ followers, spend days on social sharing dumb shit to you but will never share yours.   "friends" will follow a million celebrities they will never meet, but won't follow you.   "friends" will sit in your face with a $1000 designer t-shirt on trying to convince you that $40 is too much for your brand...   "friends" will gladly go pay somebody to fucc them up, then expect you to fix it for free.   & then there's family, who will do all this & still expect you to treat them like they was in the gym with you... crazy shit. when they say strangers are more supportive than "friends & family" they ain't never lied.   "friends" be fake af.   "friends" be having ulterior motives.   it's ok tho.. everything happens in it's own time, with or without the help of the people around you... hell they usually do the least & expec...

the way a person feels about you literally has nothing to do with you.   at all.  see you gotta learn to be comfortable accepting people's opinions, even if it's a negative & about you.  are you that person?  if not, then why tf do you care what they think?  does their opinion pay your bills?  hell nah, i tried to deposit a few opinions & to no surprise that shit never appeared on a bank statement... granted, i'm making it sound like it’s the simplest shit in the world to do & it's not.  a large part of who most people are is based on who people want them to be...  on this journey, you have to be comfortable with not being accepted.  after all, you were not made to fit into someone else's story, you're supposed to be writing your own, but how can you possibly do that without being who you are?  the first step to getting past mfrs opinions is to first figure out who you are, then accept that, whole-heartedly.  it doesn't ...

 the truth of the matter is can't nobody fix you.  you gotta fix yaself, period.  ain't no way around it.  so many people go into relationships thinking that's gonna fix they shit... and it don't.  it really make shit worse when you think about it cuz you're going into some shit with a false expectation of things changing cuz you added something else to the equation.  real shit, when you tryna fix you, you gotta subtract everything that threatens your energy & that includes relationships.  (that toxic trauma bonding shit don't count here cuz if you're still doing that, you're not ready to heal.)   how is it that you can logically go into a situation broken in a million pieces & expect somebody else to pick em up?  that shit don't work & the average mfr with any common sense should be running to the nearest exit once they figure that shit out about you.     you have to focus on fixing you.  until you d...

i personally think the following shit needs to stop & if you don't agree you're prolly the person that does this stupid shit...  assuming a person is upset because they're saying what's on their mind.  they are reacting to something you did. telling people, it's them because they feel how they feel, address the shit & move on, you can't tell somebody when & how tf to feel.  getting mad at people for enforcing their boundaries & putting you back in your place.  you should've stayed tf in your lane to begin with.  poking at people then looking crazy when they go off, everybody has a limit, it's not your job to find out what it is & if you think it is, then you deserve pretty much whatever tf they give you in return. minding other people fuccin business... don't you have your own shit to do?  if not, find something else. letting people make it... the world is like it is cuz we started letting mfrs make it.  had people been put back i...

i'm stiff af on my boundaries, now anyway, cuz in the process of tryna balance this sh*t i called life out, i came to realize i allowed mfrs get comfortable overstepping their boundaries.  yep, i allowed people to get just that comfortable to where they thought the shit i said didn't apply to them & that pattern had me quite bitter for a while.   i lost friends.   shit i’m still losing friends.   but guess what, i'm gonna be ok with losing mfrs until i get the right group around me that understand the shit i’m on.   see that's the beautiful thing about peace, when you got it, you don't want no mfn body around you disturbing it...  so  sometimes you gotta re-teach people how tf they supposed to handle you & that's not tf at all.    don't ever let a mfr get comfortable coming out they lane with you.    period.  if you realize a person thinks they can treat you however they want to, then that's the very mfr you need to get...

I came home from my second tour in the United States Navy rather unstable to say the least.  After several years of therapy, someone introduced me to shadow work.  This is where I found my life.  Shadow work opens up another world, simply put, it allows you to get to the root of your shit.  Trauma, hurt, pain, heartbreak, even our own self-sabotaging stupidity, all need healing if we wish to come out on top at some point.  I've been called a healer all my life, but was never able to heal myself, so once I realized that I, indeed, was the source of a lot of my own issues, it was a small thing to a giant, because WHY the hell would I continue to allow myself to journey these circumstances?  Makes no sense right... WRONG.  Every situation I've ever been in, specifically the ones I thought I wouldn't or couldn't survive, was for good.  I walked these paths so that I could, at bare minimum, tell the story of "why you shouldn't do that, that particular ...

 i am possibly one of the most stubborn, bullheaded, determined to do the shit my way people in the history of those types of people.  saharara strayed away & i literally lost my entire shit... whole brain just up & left one day, no note, no instructions, no emergency contact.. .just checked tf out.  my depression kicked up so bad i was double dosing my meds just to feel semi normal... my anxiety had me not moving unless i had an arsenal with me... yeah hypervigilant af to say the least...  ok so when lil baby decided to get right, the shit had my whole body throbbin.  i mean bad nerves, headaches, dizzy.. shit i woke up a couple times & didn't know where i was right off.  (i was at home in my own damn bed. if that don't scream balance some shit idk wtf does.)  anyway as the energy realigned the ringing in my ears & feeling like my carpet had me on death row (everything i touched was shocking me..) & immediately i felt my spiritual ...

ajna was a tricky lil sumbitch... i lost a lot of friends (& i use that term so fuccin loosley) cuz when your third eye is open you see the shit that isn't there & you trust that feeling that comes over you when some shit aint right... if you find yourself with migraines & eye strains it's a chance that your third eye (betwixt yo 2 eyes or that space that's where they should be) chakra ain't where it need to be.  i thought i'd contracted the fuccin infinity headache or something, there was pressure between my eyebrows and i couldn't make sense of why..  nevermind the fact i had ignored my intuition & the gifts (that i swore were curses) bestowed upon me (because i swore they were curses.)  i knew whatever was going on was going to require a lobotomy or something to that affect, i just needed my thoughts to stop running the 30 million mile marathon it apparently signed up for, with none of my own consent.  during this transition, which in all hone...

during the realignment of my throat chakra i'm pretty sure i forgot how to shut tf up... i mean shit was just flying out of my mouth before i even completed the thought in front of it.... i noticed myself stumbling over words, losing my voice easily & really unable to speak loudly.  it was like something inside of my was muffling my breath & suffocating my voice, my loud mouth ass didn't like that shit at all.  something i noticed while being forced to be quiet tho, was how much i heard when i actually listened.  i lost a lot of people i thought would be a around when my vissudha got right... that lil inner voice of mine started having a lot of shit to say, truthful shit in a not so comforting way all the time.  i felt like my intuition & inner wisdom leveled up because i got to a point where i could literally here the lie come out of people's mouth.  when my throat finally realigned, i had about 30 notebooks full of notes, answered questions & j...

 i literally lived by the phrase fucc everything & everybody... a mfr broke my heart & i was on a mission to break everything that looked like it had love attached to it.  see when your heart chakra is out of alignment, your body has a way of tellin you to anahold-tf-up..  anahata imbalance causes chest pain, heart disease, palpitations & shortness of breath... the shit that got me personally tho, was the respiratory issues... i hadn't had issues with my asthma in years, but baby lemme tell you... i went to the doctor for my lil lady check & left with a breathing machine & 37.6 inhalers.... i tried to blame it on everything from smoking to the outside air... in all actuality, my heart chakra was just tilted slightly to the wrong side of right... when this mfr said hold on, it literally slammed on the brakes leaving me with a temporary case of emotional whiplash.  i went through every damn emotion imaginable in a matter of minutes sometimes... i le...

 probably the most complicated and painful transition of my life.... this was a detrimental fuccin shift guys & gals...  remember i talked about being oversexed... well when manipura took the stage, it took the fuccin cake... the thought of sex irritated my entire being... i was drinking to try to balance out the emotions, yeah that was smart... (don't do that shit beloved, the bottle ain't the answer.)  my hormones were still doin their own thing, heartburn showed its ugly face then i got bloated & constipation chimed in...    there were 7 people residing in this pretty little head of mine & they all wanted the spotlight... concentration was non existent... why tf was i tired & restless at the same time?  no really, how the fucc are you sleep & very much tf awake simultaneously? thank the universe in its entirety that all that realignment shit was temporary... cuz the warm & tingly shit (energy fluctuating between chakras) was a mos...

 so yeah, this one was a definite doozy... hurt my lil old feelings to learn that a lot of the shit i thought was satisfying me was a result of chakra #2 going off on it's on wild & highly unsanctioned tangent...  the sacral chakra, svadhisthana, (honestly still cannot pronounce this one, so i call it stan..)   moving on, svadhisthana runs your private parts & all that other shit in the lower abdomen round the pubic bone parts... this chakra is usually the reason a lot of mfrs have sex issues (dysfunctions & addictions & shit like that.)   it's also responsible for substance abuse... let's just say solar plexus was way up in all kinda clouds & not just the strange ones... this shit had my hormones going bananas & i was ready to trade my bladder in for peanuts.  shit got real.   the imbalance was so severe i ended up having to remove a few things to relieve a few things & while the surgery (hysterectomy) provided some physi...

when the muladhara moves, it causes mass confusion honey... your root chakra controls foundations & determines how grounded you are.  it governs shit in the lower hemisphere of the energy centers, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that your bottom bodily functions go batshit when it's out of whack.  *insert shoulder shrug* shocked shitless… yep, that’s about all i can call what happened when my root chakra decided it was time to realign...  the list of side effects includes everything from eating disorders to digestive issues, back pain, fatigue & most other shit that bothers the lower organs & extremities.  personally clumsiness, anxiety & difficulty concentrating (like had me thinking something wasn’t diagnosed type difficulty.) granted i battle with service-connected post-traumatic stress disorder, but this was new level of shit entirely.  my body went wonky, to a point where they had to throw my uterus in the trash cuz even it had t...

so, you're here... further proof that some people go through more sh*t than others... miraculously survive it & manage to continue living a somewhat normal life.   at the beginning of 2022, what started out a childhood passion, journaling to release some sh*t, is now what i hope can help a buncha other mfrs.  mfrs just like me who are spiritual & logically understand that shit just ain't shit sometimes & also understand fuck is a verb, noun & mfn adjective... if that's you, then you're in the right place.  so welcome to the wonderful world of chakras, crystals, balancing energies, shadow work & sh*t like that... as told by me, a girl, that's just a little less fucked up today than she was yesterday... possibly.  depending on who you ask.  either way, buckle up buttercup & let me tell you about the time life was really lifing & set me off on the most emotionally unstable, unrealistically fucked up adventure that got us here... hop...